


reputation

by barbaXcarisi (barbaXbenson)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Developing Relationship, M/M, Smut, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-15
Updated: 2017-11-22
Packaged: 2019-02-02 20:26:03
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12733713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaXbenson/pseuds/barbaXcarisi
Summary: Rafael took a breath and looked up into a sea of ocean blue. All he wanted to do was drown in it, but the world was cruel and he had a Jacob and maybe Sonny did too for all he knew. “You’re so…” He lifted a hand, running fingertips under Sonny’s eyes, down his nose, over his lips. “Perfect. And that makes it so hard to be around you, so yes, it would be much easier for me if you weren’t around. Don’t you understand?”





	1. Gorgeous

**Author's Note:**

> Chapters are based on select songs from the Taylor Swift album reputation. This first chapter is a repost from my drabble series.

The ice clinked against his glass as he drained its contents, setting it back down on the bar as he fought the urge to loosen his bow tie. The damn thing felt like it was strangling him, but there were still hours to go yet. He’d just have to suffer. **  
**

He signaled the bartender for another drink, turning to survey the room while he waited. Beautiful gowns and tuxes abounded, conversations about summer houses and the daunting process of getting their kids into ivy league schools flowed, and he couldn’t be less interested. He was here on order of the DA, and he knew it was for a good cause, but God these events bored him to tears.

He should probably mingle, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He’d hang by the bar, getting the right amount of buzzed - enough to tolerate the evening, but not so much that he embarrassed himself - until dinner was served and he was forced to his assigned seat. Most likely next to the dullest person in attendance if past experience was any indicator.

The bartender placed his refreshed drink in front of him and as he turned to pick it up a familiar face caught his eye. What was he doing here?

Rafael watched over the rim of his glass as the object of his gaze stood among a small group of people, laughing a little too hard at whatever had just been said. The tux fit well, hugging him in all the right places, and his hair was back from his forehead in that all too familiar swoop, but with less product than it normally held.

Green eyes traced the plains of his face, sparkling eyes down to soft pink lips, before catching the bob of his adam’s apple against the smooth slender column of his neck. When he worked his gaze back up, blue eyes were staring back at him and knew he’d been caught. Embarrassed, he turned his back to the room, resting his forearms against the bar.

“Thought I might see you here, counselor.” The familiar Staten Island drawal greeted him a few moments later and he heard the grin in his voice before he turned to see it for himself.

“I can’t say the same. This doesn’t really seem like your crowd.”

Sonny shrugged. “I ran into the DA the other day when I was leaving your office and he mentioned it. Said it might be good for me to make some connections. Ya know, just in case.”

Rafael raised an eyebrow. “Just in case you decide to stop wasting your brilliant mind on cop work?” He’d never admit that he was the one to put Sonny on the DA’s radar. It wasn’t a big deal, really. He might have just mentioned what an asset it would be having a former detective as an ADA.

“I guess I’ll take that as a compliment.” Sonny flagged down the bartender. More than anything he wanted a beer, but he thought better of it, ordering a Jack and Coke instead. “I hate whiskey.” He told Rafael when the bartender went to work on his drink. “The Coke helps a little bit.”

God, he was precious, Rafael thought, watching as the detective did his best not to wince as he took the first sip of his drink.

“I thought maybe Jake would be here with you.” Carisi’s forced nonchalance was so noticeable that, not for the first time, Rafael wondered how he did so well when he went undercover.

“It’s Jacob.” He corrected like he did every time Sonny called him Jake. He was starting to think he was doing it on purpose. “He couldn’t make it. He had…something.” For the life of him he couldn’t remember whatever excuse Jacob had come up with this time. Probably something work related, it usually was. Not that he had any room to talk.

“Ah.” Was all Carisi said, taking another drink, used to the taste now. Rafael did his best not to watch his throat work as he swallowed. His best was not good enough.

“Well, I better go mingle.” Socializing with New York’s elite now seemed like a reprieve from the torture of standing in such close proximity to Sonny Carisi.

“Wait.” Sonny put a hand on Rafael’s arm and had the audacity to leave it there even when Rafael looked down at it with what could only be described as contempt. “I don’t really know anyone here. Mind if I tag along? Maybe you can introduce me to some people?”

Rafael wanted to say no, but the hopeful look on Sonny’s face wouldn’t allow him to do so. “Fine, but don’t embarrass me.”

Sonny frowned. “I know how to behave in public, Rafael.” Rafael’s eyebrows raised at the use of his first name. “Barba, whatever. You act like I have no class at all.”

“Just try to tone down the accent.” He grabbed his scotch off of the bar and made his way out onto the floor with Sonny rushing to keep up.

Rafael didn’t have to search to find a group to join, they came to him, Sonny noticed. He’d barely stepped five feet from the bar when an older woman in along, black sparkling gown reached an arm out and gestured for him to join their conversation.

“Mr. Barba, I was just telling them about what a great time we had when we all went out on the Thompson’s boat last summer.”

Sonny wanted to smirk at the use of the word boat, like this elegant woman was out cruising the Hudson on a bass boat. Odds were it had been a forty foot yacht.

“Well, who couldn’t have a good time when you’re involved, Margaret?” Rafael blended into the conversation seamlessly, while Sonny hung back, not really in the circle, shifting awkwardly on his feet. He wasn’t sure what to do. It had been too long now to introduce himself, but it would look strange if he just walked away, so he stayed, listening in and laughing when everyone else did.

Finally, an announcement was made that dinner would be served soon and Rafael excused himself from the group, reaching into his pocket to find the small card that held his table assignment.

“What?” He asked when he saw Sonny’s face.

“You know, I could be wrong, but I think the most important part of introducing someone is the actual introduction.”

“You could have introduced yourself. No one was stopping you.”

“You could have just said no, you know.” Sonny was starting to get angry. “If you were too embarrassed for your rich cronies to know that you’re friends with a lowly SVU detective.”

“We’re friends?” Rafael smirked. “I wasn’t aware.”

“You know what?” Sonny held up his hands. “Forget it.” He turned on his heel and slammed through the closest door leading out of the hotel ballroom.

The eyes of everyone nearby turned toward the noise and Rafael gave a small reassuring nod, embarrassed. “Everything’s okay.” He followed Sonny mostly to get away from the questioning looks and found that they were in a dimly lit service corridor. “Look, you don’t want to know these people. If it had been someone that was actually important to helping your career I would have made sure they knew who you were.”

“I don’t get you.” Sonny spun and Rafael stepped back in surprise. “One minute you look at me like you want to swallow me whole and then the next you’re acting like you’d like nothing more than for me to disappear.”

Rafael stared at the floor. “It’s both.”

“What?”

Rafael took a breath and looked up into a sea of ocean blue. All he wanted to do was drown in it, but the world was cruel and he had a Jacob and maybe Sonny did too for all he knew. “I said, it’s both. You’re so…” He lifted a hand, running fingertips under Sonny’s eyes, down his nose, over his lips. “Perfect. And that makes it so hard to be around you, so yes, it would be much easier for me if you weren’t around. Don’t you understand?”

Sonny understood, more than he could know. He understood that sitting in the gallery of the courtroom, watching Barba deliver an impassioned closing argument or an expert cross examination, he felt desire like he’d never felt in his life. He understood that sitting in on a meeting in Barba’s office, that framed picture of he and Jacob sitting on his desk mocking him, he felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. He understood that any time Rafael offered him the slimmest amount of praise he felt like he was on cloud nine for days. So yes, he understood, because his life would be much simpler, less complicated, without Rafael Barba in it.

As much as he wanted to say all of that, he didn’t. He didn’t say anything. Instead he tried as hard as he could to remain still as Rafael continued to touch him, his fingertips now trailing lightly up and down the side of his neck.

“So perfect.” Rafael said again softly, almost as if it was just for himself. Without thinking he slid his hand around to grasp the back of Sonny’s neck, lifting himself up on his toes until their lips connected. Sonny melted against him, fisting his hands in the jacket of Rafael’s tux, parting his lips to allow Rafael to lick greedily into his mouth.

Sonny allowed himself to get lost in it, to pretend for a moment that finally his dream had come true, but just as his lungs began to burn with a need for air, his mind came back to him. “Barba. Rafael. Wait.”

“Come home with me.” Rafael panted.

Sonny shook his head, letting go of Rafael’s jacket. “What about Jacob?”

Of course now he got his name right. “What about him? Do you really want to think about him right now?”

“Yes, I do.” Sonny took a step back. “And you should too.”

Rafael frowned. Of course Sonny would do the noble thing. He always did what was right, no matter what. It was actually something that he admired about him, at least until now. “Jacob and I, we’re…” He trailed off, not knowing what the end of the sentence was. Trying to make it work? Not in love anymore? It was something he’d been trying to figure out for awhile.

“I like you, a lot.” Sonny was saying. “But I won’t be the other man. I can’t be the other man.  And I know you probably think that’s me being noble or some bullshit, but more than anything it’s that I can’t bear the thought of sharing you. If it were to happen, you and me, I’d need all of you, one hundred percent. I couldn’t handle anything less than that.”

Rafael opened his mouth to speak, but then closed it, a rare bout of speechlessness overtaking him.

“Let me know if your situation changes.” Sonny didn’t want to walk away, but knew that he had to. He slipped back through the door that led to the ballroom, leaving Rafael alone in the hallway, shocked at Sonny’s admission and ashamed at his own behavior, but most of all torn about what to do next.

He wanted to follow after Sonny, but what would he say? That he was too much of a coward to end a relationship that’d been slowly dying for months? That he was scared that if he did, then Sonny would want too much too soon? No, he couldn’t say any of that.

His phone vibrated in his breast pocket and seeing the name of the caller he almost didn’t answer, but finally he swiped at the screen. “Hey.”

“Hey, I was able to catch an earlier train.” Oh, that’s right, Rafael remembered now. He went to DC for work. “Will you be home soon?”

“Yeah, actually, I was just about to leave.” It was possibly the most honest thing Rafael had said all night.

“Great, I’ll have a glass of wine waiting for you.” Rafael could hear Jacob popping the cork.

“Sounds good. See you in a bit.” He paused for a moment. “I love you.” He meant it, at least he was pretty sure he did. Whether it was the love he’d always feel for the person he’d spent five years of his life with, or if it was a love that could sustain a relationship, he didn’t know. But it he owed it to himself and Jacob to find out.

Rafael could hear Jacob’s surprised intake of breath. They hadn’t really been saying those words much lately, especially Rafael. “I love you too, Raf. I’ll see you when you get home.”

Rafael returned the phone to his pocket, taking one last longing look at the door to the ballroom before turning on his heel and walking down the hallway toward the exit.


	2. Getaway Car

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s really over?” Sonny asked, pulling away, chest heaving. He was afraid to hope for it. The last time Rafael had kissed him this way he’d been crushed and he didn’t think he could handle it again.
> 
> “Yes.” Rafael’s reply was breathless as he used the tie to try to pull Sonny back to him, but Sonny resisted.
> 
> “Does he know that?” He nodded his head toward Rafael’s phone where it was once again vibrating against the bar top.
> 
> “Look,” Rafael let the tie slip from his fingers, picking up his phone and making a show of turning it off. “You can sit here and ask me questions about Jacob, or we can get out of here and you can have me naked in your bed. Your choice.”

_Haven’t heard from you today. Everything ok?  
_

_Raf?_

_I talked to Carmen so I know you’re alive. What’s going on?_

_Call me please._

The pleading tone of the last text had guilt bubbling up within him. He’d decided, finally, last night after they’d gone to bed, both turning and facing away from the other without so much as a goodnight kiss, he was done. He couldn’t keep up the act anymore, couldn’t continue to go through the motions every day. His work was exhausting, home should be a refuge, but it wasn’t and hadn’t been for a long time. It was a tomb, the two of them ghosts passing each other halls.

But he didn’t know how to tell him. How do you end something that had been a part of you for over half a decade? And logistically it would be a nightmare, dividing up all of the things they’d acquired together over the years. The lease was in both of their names, who got the apartment? He cringed at the thought of having to move off of Park Ave, but their combined income had been what afforded the luxury.

These questions had kept him up most of the night and had distracted him throughout the day (He sent a small bit of thanks out into the universe that he hadn’t had court because he would have gotten his ass handed to him). And because he didn’t have any of the answers, he’d been ignoring all of Jacob’s calls and texts. Immature, he knew, especially for a man nearing fifty, but he couldn’t talk to him, not until he had a plan.

The guilt getting the better of him, he tapped out a quick reply - At work. Can’t talk. And the immaturity continued…

“Barba? Are you with us?”

He looked up to find the whole squad staring at him from around the conference table. Olivia, standing up by the whiteboard, was the one who’d spoken, and her brown eyes looked at him with concern.

“Uh, yeah, sorry. Just…court stuff.” He finished lamely, holding up his phone as evidence before slipping it into the breast pocket of his navy suit jacket.

“I was asking if you thought we had enough for a warrant?” Olivia prompted.

Rafael shook his head, not in answer to her question but confusion. “Sorry, can you give me the rundown again? I was distracted by…”

“Court stuff.” Fin supplied and Amanda covered her grin with her hand. Rafael purposely kept his eyes off of Sonny, so if the detective was also amused by Fin’s comment, he remained unaware.

“Jackson has no alibi, admits to knowing the victim…” Olivia began and this time he did his best to pay attention.

Twenty minutes later, after Rafael shut down their hopes for a warrant on the basis of too little evidence, Olivia called the meeting, telling them all to go home for the night. She eyed Rafael carefully, wanting to ask if he was okay, but knowing that when or if he needed to talk, he’d come to her. So instead she squeezed his shoulder on her way by, bidding him a good night.

Rafael was slow putting his files and papers in his briefcase and realized too late that he and Sonny were the only ones left at the table. The detective was still in his seat, watching him closely.

“Are you alright?” They were the first non work related words he’d spoken to him in weeks. Since the night of the fundraiser Sonny had kept his distance, careful not to be around him unless a case dictated it, and even then his sentences were kept to as few syllables as possible.

“I’m…” He was going to say fine, to play it off, but the way Sonny’s blue eyes were boring holes into him made the lie die on the tip of his tongue. “Do you want to get a drink?”

It was the last thing Sonny had expected and his eyes widened in surprise. He knew it was a bad idea. Nothing had changed in the last few weeks. Rafael was still with Jacob, still wasn’t available, at least not in the way Sonny wanted him to be, but there was something about the counselor that seemed off. He wasn’t acting like himself and always one to try to help, Sonny found himself nodding. “Okay, sure.”

They walked in silence until Rafael decided they were far enough away from the precinct, then he ducked into the first bar that didn’t look overcrowded.

Sonny glanced around at all of the suits that were more expensive than even Rafael’s. This definitely wasn’t a cop bar, which he assumed had been the goal.

They managed to snag two stools at the far end of the bar, Rafael flagging down the bartender before he’d even finished putting his jacket over the back of the barstool.

He ordered a Macallan neat and then looked at Sonny expectantly.

“Uh, I’ll have an Old Fashioned, please.”

“You got it.” The bartender smiled at Carisi before walking away to pour their drinks.

“I thought you hated whiskey?” Rafael asked, rolling up the sleeves of his striped shirt.

Sonny looked impressed that he remembered. “I do. I just…” He didn’t want to say that he felt he needed something stronger than beer to get through this. Rafael seemed to understand anyway.

Once drinks were in hand Rafael let Sonny drive the conversation, which stayed completely on the topic of work, discussing their most recent cases. Feeling generous he even gave Sonny a couple of opportunities to correct him on case law.

They were halfway through drink number two when Sonny finally paused, looking at Rafael’s phone that buzzed for the millionth time on the bar. Rafael hadn’t bothered to look at it even once. It was facedown, but Sonny could guess who the messages were from.

“So, what’s going on with you? Why are you here with me instead of at home with Jacob?” He stared into his drink as he asked it, like there was courage to be found at the bottom of the glass.

“Because we’re done.” Rafael kept his tone even, watching Sonny for his reaction.

“I’m sorry.” Sonny meant it.

“Are you? Sorry?” Rafael asked, turning his body toward him.

“Yeah, I mean, you guys were together a long time. It’s gotta hurt.” Sonny spun his glass slowly on the bartop, avoiding Rafael’s gaze.

Did it hurt? Rafael wasn’t sure. He supposed it should. Maybe it would after a while. Right now all he felt was the familiar hum of scotch in his veins and a strong desire to taste the whiskey on Sonny’s lips.

“It’s for the best,” was all he said.

Sonny finally looked up, finding Rafael’s green eyes fixed on him in a way that made his cheeks turn pink. The blush ran down to his neck when Rafael reached out, wrapping his hand around Sonny’s striped tie. He could have resisted as Rafael pulled him in, could have stopped it, but he didn’t want to. And when Rafael’s lips landed on his, greedy and frantic, he matched his fervor, nipping at his bottom lip and licking into his mouth.

“It’s really over?” Sonny asked, pulling away, chest heaving. He was afraid to hope for it. The last time Rafael had kissed him this way he’d been crushed and he didn’t think he could handle it again.

“Yes.” Rafael’s reply was breathless as he used the tie to try to pull Sonny back to him, but Sonny resisted.

“Does he know that?” He nodded his head toward Rafael’s phone where it was once again vibrating against the bar top.

“Look,” Rafael let the tie slip from his fingers, picking up his phone and making a show of turning it off. “You can sit here and ask me questions about Jacob, or we can get out of here and you can have me naked in your bed. Your choice.”

Carisi’s pause was so short, Rafael wasn’t sure if it could even be called that. Within half a second the detective was downing the remainder of his drink and fishing in his wallet for bills that were then slapped on the bar. “Let’s go.”

They hailed a cab easily and Sonny barely finished giving the driver his cross streets before Rafael was on him, practically in his lap, lips moving hungrily against his, one hand in his hair, the other on his thigh.

Sonny tasted the scotch on Rafael’s tongue as he did his best to keep up with the frantic pace the other man was setting. He slipped his hands underneath Rafael’s suit jacket, gripping his waist as Rafael pulled his lips away, breathing heavy. Sonny whimpered at the loss of contact, but it turned into a moan as Rafael kissed his way along his jawline, then roughly pulled his earlobe between his teeth.

Neither of them realized the car had stopped until the driver cleared his throat loudly. Normally Sonny would be embarrassed, but all he could think about was getting Rafael inside his apartment. He flung the door open as Rafael paid, making sure to give the driver a big tip, though, if he was being honest the driver should have paid them after the show they’d provided.

Once inside his building, Sonny practically dragged Rafael up the flights of stairs to his 4th floor walk up and the slamming of his apartment door behind them was like a starter’s pistol, urging them into action.

It was a frenzied meeting of lips, teeth, and tongue, clothes discarded as they made their way to the bedroom. Sonny kicked off his pants right before Rafael shoved him back on the bed, climbing over top of him to straddle narrow hips. Now he paused, taking the time to admire the view beneath him, pale skin, that was now flushed pink, stretched over toned muscle, and he wanted to spend the night touching and tasting every inch of it.  

“You’re beautiful, just like I knew you’d be.” His voice was low and rough, unlike Sonny had ever heard it and it made his heart beat wildly to know that Rafael had imagined a moment like this. He thought back to all the nights he’d spent alone in this very bed, hand wrapped around himself, thoughts of fitted suits and a sharp tongue spurring him on to completion. Was it possible that somewhere across town Rafael had been thinking of him too? Just the thought of it made his cock strain even harder against the fabric of his briefs.

Rafael must have noticed because after one last searing kiss he made his way south, kissing, licking, and nipping along the way, stopping to take one taut nipple and then the other into his mouth before continuing on his journey. Finally, his warm breath ghosting over the fine blonde hairs just above Sonny’s waistband, he pulled the material away, Sonny’s cock springing free to rest against his belly as Rafael slid the fabric down his legs and tossed it aside.

His pupils dilated at the sight of Sonny, sprawled naked before him, and he quickly rid himself of his own boxer briefs, wanting to feel Sonny’s gorgeous prick against his own. Sonny groaned as Rafael wrapped a hand around them both, spit and precome slicking the way as he worked them both, slowly, deliberately, in no hurry to have this end any time soon.

“Fuck, Rafael.” Sonny’s hips lifted off the bed, his body begging for a faster pace. A grin tugged at the corner of Rafael’s mouth, he’d known the detective would be just as eager in the bedroom as he was outside of it.

“What do you want?” Rafael asked, his hand still sliding over the both of them. “My hand? My mouth? Do you want to fuck me, Sonny?”

“Yes. Yes. All of it. Any of it. Please.” Sonny panted, desperate for anything Rafael was willing to give.

Rafael chuckled, releasing his grip and Sonny whined, reaching out for him as he lowered himself between Sonny’s thighs, sliding his mouth down over him, lips meeting the hand he had wrapped around the base of his cock, his free hand gripping Sonny’s hip.

“Jesus. Fuck.” Sonny blasphemed at the feel of Rafael’s warm mouth, doing his best not thrust himself even further down the man’s throat. Rafael hummed around him in response and Sonny saw stars, unable to resist threading his fingers through Rafael’s hair gripping it tightly in a way that only seemed to encourage him.

As Rafael worked him, a magical combination of lips, tongue, and hand, Sonny felt his impending release building and he felt conflicted. He wanted nothing more than to come in Rafael’s mouth, evidence of his release shooting down his throat and dribbling out of the corner of his mouth, but God, he didn’t want this to end, not yet.

“Let me…let me fuck you. Please?” It was desperate plea, one that Rafael couldn’t deny even if he wanted to, which he did not.

With one last hollowing of his cheeks he pulled his mouth off of Sonny, moving back up to kiss him before rolling them both so that Sonny was on top. Sonny looked down at him, pupils blown, and once again marveled at the sight of Rafael Barba, naked, in his bed.

“I do believe there was something said about fucking?” Rafael smirked when Sonny stared a little too long.

Sonny huffed a laugh, tugging Rafael’s bottom lip between his teeth before sliding himself down his body. Shoving his knees up roughly, in a way that both surprised and excited Rafael, Sonny exposed him. First using tongue and then fingers, Sonny worked him open, stopping only to reach for the bottle kept in the nightstand, slicking his fingers to aid the process. By the time he’d worked in a third finger, Rafael was writhing against the mattress.

“I’m ready, Sonny. Please.”

The sound of Rafael begging for his cock was perhaps the biggest turn on Sonny had ever experienced in his life. Quickly finding and rolling on a condom and applying more lube, he placed himself at Rafael’s entrance. Rafael’s hips canted off of the mattress, urging him forward, and Sonny slowly slid into him, the tight heat almost enough to make him come instantly.

Stopping once he was fully seated, both to stave off his own orgasm and to let Rafael adjust, he looked down into green eyes, irises nearly gone his pupils were so blown. “Ready?” On Rafael’s nod, he began to move his hips and Rafael moaned, a deep guttural sound that began in his chest and worked its way upward.

“Yes, Sonny. God, just like that.” Rafael felt Sonny speed up at the encouragement and took note. Sonny fell forward palms on either side of Rafael’s face, as he stole a kiss, swallowing the next moan that escaped him. He dipped his head, nipping at Rafael’s neck and collarbone as he rolled his hips.

“I knew you’d be so good at fucking me. Knew it from the moment I saw you. So pretty and perfect. Fuck, there, right there!” He cried as Sonny changed the angle, hitting his prostate. It had been such a long time since he’d been well and truly fucked and Rafael didn’t think he’d last much longer, not with Sonny hitting all the right places.

“Touch me.” It was a whisper in Sonny’s ear and Sonny didn’t have to be told twice. Sitting up he gripped Rafael in his hand, jerking him in time with the rhythm of his hips.

“Jesus, jesus, jesus…” Rafael intoned until it became a string of gibberish. It wasn’t long before Sonny felt him stiffen in his hand, the smooth skin tightening before hot beads of come slid between his fingers. He continued to stroke him, milking him for all he had while he still rolled his hips, slower now.

When Rafael jerked with oversensitivity, Sonny removed his hand. “Can I come on you?”

“You better.” It was nearly a growl.

Sonny pulled out of him, discarding the condom with his left hand, and using his right, still covered in Rafael’s come, he stroked himself, quick and hard. Rafael reached out, gripping his hips.  “Are you gonna come for me, Sonny? I want to feel your hot come all over me.” The huskiness of his voice in combination with the use of his name was enough to do Sonny in.

He cried out as the wave of orgasm hit him, strings of pearly white covering Rafael’s stomach in a filthy version of a Jackson Pollock painting.

“Jesus.” He panted, collapsing on his back next to Rafael, working hard to catch his breath as his heart continued to beat rapidly.

“I’d like to think I also had something to do with it.”

Sonny rolled his head to the side, looking at the other man. Here was the Rafael he knew, smirk firmly in place on kiss swollen lips. Gone was the writhing, pleading, mess that he’d had under him only moments before. He almost found the cocky asshole more attractive. Almost.

After his breathing and heart rate returned to normal he slipped into the bathroom, returning with a warm washcloth, gently running it over Rafael’s skin. “Good as new.” He said when he was finished and Rafael felt guilt settle over him, knowing that this probably meant more to Sonny than it did for him.

But it had been so long since he’d had someone take care of him. It had been forever since he and Jacob had had sex and even then Jacob had simply rolled over when they were done, claiming an early meeting. No aftercare, no laying in each other’s arms, nothing. So when Sonny turned off the light and snuggled up against him, instead of making excuses to leave, instead of being honest Sonny and with himself, he ran his fingers through soft blonde hair and placed kisses on his forehead, falling into a restful sleep with Sonny’s naked body pressed up against him.

* * *

Rafael brought the tumbler of scotch to his lips, feet propped up on his desk, contemplating sending Sonny a text to see if he was done with work for the day. It’d been three nights, three nights of texting Sonny as he was leaving the office, three nights of Sonny fucking him into oblivion.

It’d been so hard sitting across from him in the squad room, picturing the the purple bruises he’d left on his pale hips. He’d gotten distracted more than once when Sonny gave a rundown on new evidence, thinking instead of the filth that had poured from that pretty mouth the night before.

He felt a sense of satisfaction at knowing he’d been right about Carisi. Even back when he’d had that stupid moustache and those ill fitting suits, Rafael could tell that he’d be excellent in bed. Those hands, those lips, that walk, there was no way he didn’t put that body to good use. He’d longed to find out, certain that he never would, resigned to thinking of long limbs and narrow hips as he pressed himself back against the cool tile of the shower, cock in his hand. But now, now he got to have him and it was even better than he’d imagined.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a long time.”

Rafael’s eyes opened at the familiar voice, the sight before him ruining all of his thoughts of a naked Sonny. He dropped his feet to the floor, sitting up straight. “Jacob. What are you doing here?”

He was still in his suit from work, one Rafael had helped him pick out, the deep gray material hugged his tall frame and complemented his blue eyes (so Rafael had a type, sue him), but he looked tired. “Are you kidding me?” Tired and angry.  “You haven’t been home in three days!”  

“I’m surprised you noticed.”

“What does that mean? You’ve been there every night for the last three and a half years, I’m going to notice when you’re suddenly not there. You’ve been using your debit card, otherwise I’d have been worried sick.”

Rafael’s eyes narrowed. “You checked my account?” This was what he got for falling for a bank executive. Rita had reminded him of his “no men in finance” policy when they’d first met, but he’d been so attractive. He knew even after all these years he’d still get an “I told you so” from her.

“What was I supposed to do? You weren’t answering my calls, my texts. I had to make sure you were okay.” Jacob stepped closer, resting his hands on the back of one of Rafael’s visitor’s chairs, tone softening. “Where have you been? What’s going on?”

Rafael sighed. “I was trying to figure out how to…to tell you that I’m done.”

“What do you mean, done?”

“With us. I just can’t do it anymore. We aren’t a couple anymore. We’re roommates, Jay. And roommates who don’t care very much for each other at that.” It was the first time since he’d made the decision that he actually felt sad, the truth in his words cutting him just as much as they did Jacob.

“That’s not true.” Jacob shook his head, his blonde hair staying perfectly in place. Rafael couldn’t help but think of Sonny and the way his hair fell down over his forehead as he hovered over him. “I mean, yes, things aren’t as passionate as they were in the beginning, but that’s what happens in relationships. We can work at it.”

“There’s nothing left to work on.”

“You don’t mean that.”

* * *

Sonny whistled as he made his way down the hallway to Rafael’s office, hoping that he hadn’t come off too eager as he offered to bring the paperwork that the Lieutenant needed delivered. They’d agreed to keep their extracurriculars out of the workplace, but he figured Rafael would be coming over to his place anyway, they might as well make the trip together.

He stepped into the outer office, finding Carmen’s desk empty at the late hour, and he was about walk inside the main office when he heard voices. He recognized one of them as Jacob’s. He’d been to enough squad functions for Sonny to recognize, and loathe, the sound. He knew it was wrong, knew he shouldn’t listen in, but he was frozen in place, unable to stop himself.

* * *

“You aren’t hearing me.” Now Rafael stood, still inches shorter, but he felt a little more evenly matched. “I don’t want to work on it. I’m sleeping with someone else.” He knew that was the only way to shut him down, to kill his fight.

And he was right. He watched as Jacob’s expression steeled. “For how long?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes, it matters how long my boyfriend has been fucking someone else behind my back.”

Rafael shrugged. “A while.”

“Is it that cop you’re always drooling over when you think I’m not paying attention?” Jacob shook his head, laughing mirthlessly when Rafael didn’t answer. “People have always said what a bastard you are, but I never believed it. Not my Rafael. They just don’t know him like I do. But now I see it and I can’t believe I spend five fucking years of my life with the wool over my eyes.”

“Well, at least now you know.” Rafael said quietly, knowing that he deserved the harsh words.

“Yeah, I guess so.” He turned to go, shoulders sagging.

Sonny quickly ducked behind the door as Jacob stormed out, too blinded by his pain and rage to notice him. His heart thumped as he processed what he’d heard. Just when he’d thought he finally had gotten what he’d wished for, after all those years of pining and hoping and dreaming. He wanted to leave, to pretend like he hadn’t heard anything. He wanted to invite Rafael over tonight, fall into bed like nothing had happened, but he couldn’t do that. Even he, the good Catholic, couldn’t bury something like this.

He took a deep breath, squaring his shoulders and stepping into the room.

“Jacob, just go, I-” Rafael began before looking up, green eyes meeting anguished blue ones. “Sonny.”

“So, that sounded an awful lot like a breakup.” He began, trying to keep his tone neutral, pointing a thumb toward the door where Jacob had just retreated. “Which is funny since you told me days ago that you’d already ended things. So what am I missing?”

“You’re missing the fact that maybe you shouldn’t listen in on other people’s conversations.” The armor was back up. He’d taken one verbal beating tonight, he wasn’t in the mood for another.

“No. You don’t get to pull that. I told you I couldn’t, that I wouldn’t, be the other man. And you  _lied_  to me. What, did you want to fuck me that bad? Should I be flattered?”

“It  _was_ over. For me it was over.” Rafael said truthfully. “I just hadn’t told him yet.”

“So, you used me as the easy way out?” Sonny’s chest tightened at the realization. None of it had been real. He’d just been a means to an end. “You knew he’d be too pissed to fight for you if you’d cheated?”

He was too damn insightful for his own good, Rafael thought, mentally chastising himself for getting involved with someone who read people for a living.

“I didn’t sleep with you to hurt Jacob. You know I’ve wanted you, since the beginning I’ve wanted you. It was just…”

“A bonus? A nice scenario where you got to have your cake and eat it too?” Sonny shook his head. “I am so fucking stupid. I thought that-“

“What? That we were some epic love story? You’d waited patiently by while I realized that you were the one I was meant to be with, not him?” Rafael smirked, his tone mocking. “It was never going to be that. That’s not what this was.”

Sonny’s jaw clenched, his normally soft face now all hard planes. “Fuck you.”

“Already did that.”

“Wow.” Sonny laughed, but there wasn’t a trace of humor in it. “You really are a bastard.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

He’d spent years admiring Rafael, his skill in the courtroom, his quick wit, his fight, and he’d spent nearly as long desiring him, but in a matter of minutes all of that was gone, replaced with something dark and wretched, a mix of anger and humiliation that he felt to his core.

“Enjoy your new-found freedom. Hope it was worth it.” Sonny slammed the door behind him, the walls rattling in his wake.

Rafael hoped so too.


	3. Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dammit, Sonny! I’m trying to apologize.”
> 
> “Are you?” He barely glanced over his shoulder before returning his gaze to the window. There was no way he was letting him off easy, not after everything he’d done. 
> 
> “Yes.” It was clipped and Rafael took another deep breath, trying to reel himself back in. This was not going at all the way he’d wanted it to. It didn’t help that Sonny looked absolutely gorgeous, framed perfectly by the window, the glow of streetlights a halo around him. How could anyone be expected to concentrate with a perfectly backlit Sonny Carisi in the room?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inspired by the Taylor Swift song of the same name. I hope this chapter makes up for the pain caused by the first two! Thanks so much for reading and leaving kudos and comments!

Rafael stared at the text he’d composed nearly twenty minutes before, but had yet to muster up the courage to send. It was simple, the name of the bar followed by one word: _Please?_ His thumb trembled as it hovered above the send button. It seemed ridiculous, that six letters could make him more vulnerable than anything else ever had.

 

Taking a deep breath, he hit send. This was it. This would determine if he was forgivable, if what’d they’d had could be salvaged.

 

He stared at the screen, willing a response to appear, but none came. He took a gulp of scotch and when he placed the glass back on the table his heartbeat quickened. There it was, the little bubble with three dots signifying that the other person was typing a response.

 

His hand gripped the phone like a lifeline, both dread and excitement filling him at the possibility of the words that would appear. The bubble vanished and he waited. It popped up again, lasting only a few seconds this time, before it disappeared again. Then, nothing.

 

He had his answer and what was left of his poor miserable heart shattered. He didn’t deserve a second chance, didn’t deserve forgiveness, but he’d hoped for it. Not anymore.

 

He slid out of the booth and made his way to the bar, holding up his empty glass to the bartender. “Make it a double this time.”

  


Sonny’s sneakers stayed firmly planted on the sidewalk outside of the bar as he tried to decide if he was actually going to go inside. When he’d first seen the address he’d thought maybe it was a mistake. He’d been here before and it was about as much of a dive as you could get, low ceilings and even lower lighting, with cheap drinks and stale pretzels served in bowls that probably hadn’t been washed since the place opened. It was decidedly un-Rafael. He wasn’t sure what that meant.

 

He knew he shouldn’t even be here. He should at least attempt to salvage the little bit of dignity he had left, and truthfully had the text come one day earlier there was no way he would have even entertained the thought of crawling out of bed and traipsing across town to see the man who had destroyed him.

 

But it had come today, on the day that Rafael had convened a grand jury, indicting a high ranking official accused of having sex with a minor, against the DA’s orders. The day that Rafael had gotten suspended. Again.

 

It was Sonny’s fault. He’d insisted over and over that they needed to bring the suspect in, that he was sure the man was guilty, and Rafael had listened even though the DA wanted more proof before making a move. He’d baited and guilt tripped Rafael into doing what he wanted and even if he’d deserved anything he had coming to him, Sonny still felt guilty.

 

So here he was, standing outside of a dive bar in the East Village at midnight on a Tuesday, once again obeying the whims of Rafael Barba.

  


It’d been nearly an hour and there was still no word from Sonny. There probably would never be word from Sonny. At least nothing that wasn’t work related. At work he had plenty to say about the inadequate way in which Rafael was doing his job.

 

Rafael made a deal with himself. If he hadn’t heard anything by the time he finished his drink he’d go home. He took a small sip of the cheap scotch, the best the bar had to offer, and the glass nearly slipped from his hands when he saw the familiar tall frame walk through the door.

 

Even in the low light of the bar Rafael could see that he looked good, he always did, but tonight especially. His hair was slightly mussed and his dark jeans and navy button down hugged him perfectly. He spotted Rafael, the pain that always appeared lately when he was around clouded his face, and he stopped at the bar to order a drink, buying himself some time before he actually had to be near him.

 

Finally, beer bottle in hand, he made his way over to the booth Rafael occupied, sliding in across from him. “Doesn’t really seem like your kind of place.” He said without greeting.

 

“I actually used to live in this neighborhood, a long time ago. Spent a lot of time here, actually.” He said it almost wistfully. “I’m glad you came.”

 

Sonny shrugged, taking a swig of his beer, and Rafael couldn’t help but watch the gentle way his lips caressed the mouth of the bottle. He’d give anything to have those lips on him again.

 

“Liv told me what happened.” Sonny was saying. “I’m sorry for the part I played in it.”

 

So that was why he was here. Good ol’ Catholic guilt. The hope he’d felt when he’d seen Sonny in the doorway died as quickly as it had bloomed. Rafael shrugged. “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”

 

“Right.” Sonny’s eyes darkened. “Of course. Nothing ever has anything to do with me, right? Like how I just happened to be in the right place at the right time, a body for you to use to hurt your boyfriend. It had actually had nothing do with me.”

 

He hadn’t intended to do this, to rehash what had happened, but he was still hurt and pissed, and Rafael seemed so flippant that it brought everything back to the surface.

 

“That’s not true.” Rafael said quietly.

 

Sonny leaned back in the booth, regretting, not for the first time, that he’d even opened the text message that brought him here. “Look, you asked me to come here. I’m here. Why?”

 

“I just wanted to-”

 

A loud burst of laughter from the booth behind Sonny interrupted him and Rafael glanced at the group before looking back at Sonny. “Can we go somewhere else? My place? Not for...you know, just so it’s quiet?”

 

Sonny knew he should say no, but part of him, the part that enjoyed tormenting himself, wanted to know what Rafael had to say. “Fine.”

 

In the back of the cab they sat as far away from each other as possible, tension occupying the middle seat between them, both of them thinking of the last time they’d been in a cab together. When they reached Rafael’s building on the Upper West Side they both pulled out their wallets, but Rafael held up a hand. “I got it.”

 

“Fine.” Sonny agreed and Rafael wondered if that was the only word he’d say for the rest of the night.

 

Inside Rafael’s apartment Sonny looked around curiously. It was sparsely furnished and boxes, some still taped closed, others open and half full, sat throughout the space.

 

“Sorry about the mess, I’ve only been here a couple of weeks and haven’t really had much time to unpack.” Rafael rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Can I make you a drink? I don’t have beer, but…”

 

“Anything’s fine.”

 

Rafael laughed at another use of the word fine and Sonny looked up at him. “What’s funny?”

 

“Nothing. Just something stupid.” He went into the kitchen to make their drinks and when he returned, a glass in each hand, Sonny was standing at his bookshelf, reading the titles. They were mostly law books, but there were others, classic novels and biographies mostly. Sonny noted that besides a few of the law texts, they had very little crossover. That probably meant something.

 

“All that I have fully unpacked is my books. They’re what makes it feel like home.” Rafael held out a glass. “I found a bottle of vodka, thought you might like a vodka soda better than scotch or whiskey.”

 

“Thanks.” Sonny took the glass. He stayed at the bookshelf even when Rafael sat on the couch, moving a box to the floor in order to do so. “So, you wanted to talk.”

 

“Yes,” Rafael took a deep breath, preparing himself. “I lied to you.”

 

Sonny scoffed. “No shit.”

 

Rafael shook his head. This was already off to a great start. “No, I mean tonight. I did convene the grand jury because of you. Not because I felt guilty, which I certainly do, but because you were right. You’re smart and your legal instincts are good. Even with the consequences being what they are, listening to you was the right thing to do.”

 

“Great.” Sonny brought his glass to his lips, swallowing a gulp of vodka. “Glad to know you finally see me as a valuable colleague.” He moved to the window, his hand on the frame as he looked down at the street, watching cars make their way up Amsterdam Avenue.

 

“Dammit, Sonny! I’m trying to apologize.”

 

“Are you?” He barely glanced over his shoulder before returning his gaze to the window. There was no way he was letting him off easy, not after everything he’d done.

 

“Yes.” It was clipped and Rafael took another deep breath, trying to reel himself back in. This was not going at all the way he’d wanted it to. It didn’t help that Sonny looked absolutely gorgeous, framed perfectly by the window, the glow of streetlights a halo around him. How could anyone be expected to concentrate with a perfectly backlit Sonny Carisi in the room? “Can you sit, please?”

 

Sonny turned, hesitating. The only furniture in the room besides the bookshelf and coffee table was the couch, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to be that close to Rafael.

 

“I’m not inviting you to sit in my lap.” Rafael snapped. “Just get away from the window, would you?”

 

The right side of Sonny’s mouth slid up in a knowing grin and he crossed the room, settling onto the couch. Not close enough that they were touching, but not as far away as he could have been, so Rafael would take it.

 

“Thank you.” Rafael sat his glass on the coffee table and turned to face him. “I texted you because I wanted to apologize for what happened. What?” He asked when Sonny scoffed again.

 

“Something didn’t just ‘happen.’” He even used air quotes for emphasis. “That implies that you had no control over it.”

 

“You’re right.” Rafael agreed and Sonny didn’t hide his surprise at the words. “I didn’t set out to intentionally hurt you, to use you, the way that I did. You have to know that. But that’s exactly what I did. I knew that by being with you, I’d get out of my relationship with Jacob. And then I made it even worse by being a prick to you when you called me out on it. But, Sonny, I don’t regret being with you.”

 

“Barba.” It was a warning.

 

“No, I mean it. Those nights with you were some of the best I’ve had in my entire life, and I don’t just mean the sex.” He said with a small smile.  “And sometimes...sometimes I think about what would have happened if I’d done this right. If I’d ended things with Jacob first, if I hadn’t been so cruel to you, what could we be?”

 

“I guess we’ll never know.” Sonny said softly.

 

Rafael scooted closer to him, putting a hand on his arm. “Please tell me that’s not true. I know you haven’t forgiven me, that you may not for a long time, but please don’t say never.”

 

Sonny looked down at where their knees now touched, barely grazing one another, but enough to send the familiar flash of warmth through his veins. It would be so easy to ignore everything that he’d put him through, to shove it all down deep and give into the physical want that was doing its best to overpower him, but then what? He’d done that before and look where it had gotten him.

 

Rafael dropped his hand from his arm and looked at the floor. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t...It’s not fair to you.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Sonny drained his glass and sat it next to Rafael’s on the coffee table. “You knew how I felt, knew that for me it wasn’t just a fling, but for you that’s all it was.”

 

Rafael brought his eyes back up. “That’s not true.”

 

“Oh, what? You thought we’d have some epic love story?” Sonny tossed Rafael’s own words back at him.

 

Rafael visibly flinched. “I deserve that.”

 

Sonny didn’t disagree, but he still felt a little guilty. He didn’t like hurting people, deserved or not.

 

“The truth is,” Rafael began slowly, picking at an invisible piece of lint on the knee of his pants to avoid looking at Sonny. “It did mean something to me. You know that I’ve been attracted to you for a long time, but it wasn’t just physical. I tried to pretend that was it. Physical attraction is one thing, you know? Even people in committed, happy relationships, see people in passing that they’re attracted to, but then after awhile it became more than that.”

 

He looked up, the intensity of Sonny’s stare made him want to look down again, but he didn’t. “The more I got to know you, the more I realized you were more than a pretty face. You work so hard and you’re so smart and passionate, and I found my heart racing every time I walked into the squadroom, knowing you’d be there. And the realization that Jacob hadn’t made my heart race in a long time was a hard thing to deal with. I wasn’t happy and still...How do you toss away half a decade of your life?”

 

The vulnerability in his eyes and in his words was something that Sonny had never experienced before. Barba worked so hard to keep his armor up. Even in the nights they’d spent together, outside of the throes of passion, he’d hidden behind snark and sarcasm, so it was lot to have him open up this way. Sonny felt the anger and resentment loosening its grip on his heart.

 

“But that’s no excuse.” Rafael continued, shaking his head. “I handled it all in the absolute worst way possible. I didn’t want to hurt Jacob and I didn’t want to hurt you, but that doesn’t matter in the end because that’s exactly what I did. So, I understand if you can’t forgive me, but I needed you to know that it wasn’t just physical. It still isn’t. You mean so much more to me than-”

 

He was cut off by Sonny’s lips on his, desperate and demanding, but it took him no time at all to reciprocate, threading his fingers through soft, golden hair. Sonny gripped at his shirt, pulling him closer, licking into his mouth and eliciting a moan from Rafael.

 

They continued to paw at each other like teenagers, Rafael slipping his hands up under Sonny’s untucked shirt, easing him back on the couch, never losing contact with his lips. Sonny froze underneath him. “Rafael, wait.”

 

Rafael pulled away, panting. “What’s wrong?”

 

“I just,” Sonny ran a hand through his hair, breathing heavy. “Please don’t do this if you don’t mean it, if you’re going to be gone in the morning. I can’t take it, not again.”

 

“I live here.” He quipped, but his smile was affectionate.

 

“You know what I mean.”

 

Rafael’s expression turned serious as he considered the weight of Sonny’s request. Finally, he pulled the rest of the way back, putting distance between them, and Sonny felt his heart break again. He hadn’t even realized it had been repaired enough to break all over again, but if anyone could do it, it was Rafael.

 

“Are you coming?”

 

He realized Rafael was standing now, holding a hand out to him. “I just figured if this is going to mean something, there are better places than the couch.”

 

Sonny took his hand without hesitation and Rafael led him to the bedroom. “Are you sure this is okay?” Rafael asked even as his long fingers worked the buttons of Sonny’s shirt. “This is what you want?”

 

Sonny nodded vigorously, pressing his hips against Rafael’s. “Yes. More than anything.”  

 

“Okay, good.” Rafael slammed his lips against Sonny’s once again, tumbling them both onto the bed.

 

It was different than before. They took their time, hands exploring as lips met and tongues tangled. Rafael’s heart swelled with gratitude, and maybe a little something else, at getting the chance to once again have Sonny, smooth and pale, underneath him, and he wanted to enjoy it, to commit every inch of him to memory.

 

Sonny gently worked him open and when he was ready Rafael slid slowly down over him, finally feeling whole. Complete in a way that he’d never felt before.

 

Bracing himself on his hands as Sonny thrust up into him, he stole a kiss from Sonny’s lips, long and languid, eliciting a moan from deep in the other man’s chest. He pulled away, his breath ghosting over Sonny’s lips.  “This is all I’ve ever wanted. You and me, just like this.”

 

Afterward, it was Rafael who ran a warm washcloth over Sonny’s flushed skin. And it was Rafael who snuggled up against Sonny, face in the hollow of his neck, whispers of affection interspersed with featherlight kisses until they both drifted off to sleep.

  
  


Sonny woke up with a smile on his face. He couldn’t remember the last time that had happened. Even when he and Rafael had been together before it wasn’t like this. At the time he hadn’t known what it was, but there had been something hanging over them. He was just too blinded by lust and the thrill of finally having Rafael in his bed to notice until it was too late. But not this time. It was different now.  

 

Reliving the previous night in his head he rolled over, prepared to press up against Rafael, to steal a good morning kiss, only to find the other half of the bed empty, sheets long gone cold.

 

He should have known it was all too good to be true, that Rafael would bolt even after Sonny warned him that he couldn’t take it. He supposed it was his own fault, fool me once and all that. Well, not again. He was done.

 

Sonny threw back the covers just as Rafael walked into the room, fully dressed in dark jeans and a polo, a coffee mug in each hand. “Whoa, um, I’m all for _that_ , but I thought maybe we’d have some coffee first.”

 

Sonny blushed, grabbing the sheets and pulling them back over his naked lower half.

 

“Good morning.” Rafael sat on the bed, giving Sonny a soft kiss before handing him one of the mugs.

 

“Morning.” Sonny smiled his appreciation for both the kiss and the coffee.

 

“You’d thought I left.” It wasn’t a question.

 

“No, I…” Sonny dropped his head. “Yeah. I did.”

 

Rafael nodded. “I know that I have some work to do to prove to you that I’m not going to hurt you again, but I’m in, Sonny. I’m all in. You’re it for me. And I’m going to spend every day making sure that you know it.”

 

“I’m going to need a lot of convincing.” Sonny grinned, taking Rafael’s mug and setting them both on the nightstand. “You should start right now.” He gripped the front of Rafael’s shirt, pulling him in for a searing kiss that Rafael felt all the way to his toes.

 

“You have work.” Rafael said begrudgingly, still close enough that he could feel Sonny’s breath on his lips.

 

“I can be late.” Still gripping his shirt, he pulled Rafael down to the bed and any protest that Rafael had died on Sonny’s lips.

 

“Maybe.” He said between kisses. “You should just call out altogether. Didn’t you say you’re not feeling well?”

 

Sonny caught the glint in his eye and grinned. “Oh, I’m burning up.”

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
